Seems like you can't go anywhere without being bombarded with the message that Happy Feet is out this week on DVD. Now, let me clue you in on a little secret: Happy Feet sucks.

Now, I know those are harsh words for a movie that won so much critical praise and the Academy Award for Best Animated Feature. But it's true.

Oh sure, the movie looks wonderful. But it has no script and no interesting characters to care about. The filmmakers tried to patch up the first half of the script by jamming it full of familiar pop tunes so people would be too distracted by all the good times and great oldies to notice there's nothing going on, while they threw a preachy and heavy-handed environmental message on the end of the film to fill it to feature length. And who doesn't like a shout-out to the environment, no matter how awkwardly constructed?

Well, if you want to see a gripping movie about the environment, see An Inconvenient Truth. If you want to see a fascinating movie about penguins, see March of the Penguins. If you want to see a movie with a lot of good music, see The Last Waltz or A Hard Day's Night or even Footloose. Just stay away from Happy Feet.

Don't trust my opinion? Hey, my four-year-old son hated it too. And he has pretty good taste, better apparently than a lot of people who loved Happy Feet.

Anybody out there rent or buy the first season of Saturday Night Live on DVD? I've been working my way through it since Christmas. I was especially interested in seeing for the first time the complete episode hosted by Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman's Louise Lasser, which was such a disaster that producer Lorne Michaels banned Lasser from the show and banned the episode from reruns. Lasser was apparently going through loads of personal problems at the time of the show; she refused to do most of the sketches written for her, insisting instead on performing monologues and using a film she had created. The only cast member she ended up sharing a scene with was Chevy Chase. After hearing for decades about how bad this episode was, I was perversely anxious to finally see it.

Well, turns out the disaster was not so bad; in fact, I've seen loads of Saturday Night Live episodes in the last twenty years that have been at least as bad if not worse. Lasser was obviously going through some mental problems, but her rambling monologues and pointless film were no more painful than most "It's Pat" sketches. Just proves the truism that the worst of the best is still not that bad. Sort of like Magical Mystery Tour or Dirty Work.

The biggest entertainment news this week has to be the passing of Calvert DeForest, who died on Wednesday, March 21, at the age of 85.

DeForest is of course best known for his countless appearances as Larry "Bud" Melman on Late Night and Late Show with David Letterman, and although it's easy to minimize his legacy, his impact on television, just like Letterman's impact, can't be easily dismissed.

Before DeForest was featured on the very first Late Night with David Letterman on February 1, 1982 -- he introduced the program -- people who appeared on entertainment television were generally professionals. DeForest's show business career was largely limited to an appearance in a New York University student film, which is how he caught the eye of Letterman's production team, who found him working as a file clerk.

DeForest was given the stage name of Larry "Bud" Melman by head writer (and Letterman girlfriend) Merrill Markoe, but by all accounts he never created a character; DeForest played Melman as himself. And as might be expected from a non-professional, DeForest made endless gaffes on-air -- my personal favorite being how, when interviewing someone, he always moved his microphone from his mouth to his interviewee's too early, so you never heard the tail end of his query. Letterman's producers realized that DeForest conducting "man on the street" interviews was the best use of the Melman persona, since real people, usually expecting much more polish and style from a television personality, would react with hysterical confusion to Melman's amateurism.

In short, Melman's presence, more than anything else in the early years of Late Night with David Letterman, gave Letterman's show the aura of something revolutionary.

The impact of Larry "Bud" Melman was quick; not only did Letterman try to replicate the shtick on his own show, first with various stagehands such as Al Frisch and Biff Henderson, later with shopkeepers Mujibur and Sirajul and deli owner Rupert Jee, but others caught on. Jay Leno's "Ross the Intern" and "The Fruitcake Lady", and Andy Milonakis, who began on Jimmy Kimmel Live, are direct variations on Larry "Bud" Melman. One could even argue that DeForest's regular appearances on Letterman made people more used to seeing "real" people on television, aiding greatly in the reality boom of today.

DeForest's absence won't be immediately felt on the Letterman program; he hasn't appeared since 2002. But many Letterman fans, myself included, will be reminded by DeForest's passing of those early, experimental days of the show. Although Letterman is still the best in the business, it seems the innovative spirit of his program has largely been lost. But we're all thankful for its existence, a existence that was helped greatly by DeForest's invaluable contributions. We'll miss you, Bud Melman.

Hey, Dancing with the Stars came back this week. I guess I'm one of the few who don't care. When this show first premiered, I thought that it would sink faster than Mariah Carey's acting career, but it is one of the breakout hits of the last few years. I just don't understand why people would want to watch people dance on television, much less why people would want to watch forgotten celebrities who can't dance dance. I think the American public is just hoping that these celebrities will embarrass themselves, but isn't just appearing on this show embarrassing enough? It must be, because even though this show is a smash, ABC still can't get anyone actually popular to appear on it. Billy Ray Cyrus couldn't sell out a bingo hall in Spokane, yet here he is featured in a weekly primetime television show that millions of people watch. And Ian Ziering. He can't get a part in a prison porno movie, yet he's on a show that gets more viewers than most anything not called American Idol.

Me, I'm pulling for John Ratzenberger. C'mon, he was Cliff Clavin! John Ratzenberger will forever be one of my favorites, if only for that Cheers episode where Cliff hires an intimidating friend to protect himself at the bar and then shows everyone that he knows karate. That episode should be preserved like Casablanca and Citizen Kane. "No, I don't know Leslie Uggams!"

And what's the deal with Heather Mills? I don't want to watch anything with her. If there was an ounce of truth in what she said about her marriage to Paul McCartney, she should be too emotionally scarred to get all prettied up and charleston with a handsome dan. I hope she's off quickly and leaves the public eye, only to reappear on infomercials for the Jack LaLanne Power Juicer. Forbes Riley is too good for those.

And apparently the Cincinnati Pops Orchestra thinks they're too good for former Dukes of Hazzard stars John Schneider and Tom Wopat. Not because of their music, which would be a good enough reason for me, but because the General Lee car from the old Dukes show had a Confederate flag on it. I certainly don't agree with using the Confederate flag for anything, but come on, Dukes of Hazzard hasn't been in production for over twenty years. Schneider and Wopat shouldn't be held accountable for a prop used on a twenty-five-year-old show. Now if Schneider and Wopat used the Confederate flag in their current show, whether as a backdrop or on clothing (the way Def Leppard all used the Union Jack) or whatever, that would be different. But -- and I can't believe I'm saying this -- give the Dukes a break. Besides, if the Cincinnati Pops Orchestra is lowering itself to an appearance by Luke and Bo Duke, they must not be in a position to be too picky about who they get to perform. Word is they tried to get Billy Ray Cyrus, but he was booked on some TV show.

Hey My Network TV -- the national network that My Madison TV is affiliated with -- is riding high. Fresh off an Anna Nicole Smith special that brought the network its best numbers ever, the network this week unveiled a fresh new spring schedule: We're talking International Fight League Mondays and Saturdays, blockbuster movies Thursdays and Fridays, and telenovelas -- American Heiress on Wednesdays and Saints & Sinners on Thursdays -- to round out the week.

Personally, I like the telenovelas and I'm sorry that My Network TV has announced that this latest round is to be the last of them. My Network's telenovelas are like a combination of the soap operas that you see on the Big Three Networks and the reality shows you see on VH1. The storylines are right out of daytime dramas but the actors are people that you haven't seen in decades and that you probably thought had passed away. The best of the bunch was Fashion House, which starred Bo "Bolero" Derek, Morgan "The Seduction" Fairchild, and Tippi "The Birds" Hedren, although Wicked Wicked Games gave former child star and Oscar winner Tatum O'Neal a chance to overact gloriously as a woman scorned.

Of the new ones, Saints & Sinners looks like the one to catch, as its cast could fit in quite nicely in a cycle of Celebrity Fit Club or The Surreal Life -- Mel Harris from thirtysomething, Charles Shaughnessy from The Nanny, ex-wife of Mike Tyson Robin Givens, and Maria Conchita Alonso, who I don't think I've seen since the Robin Williams movie Moscow on the Hudson. Plus there are lots of young hotties to keep the kids interested.

Speaking of young hotties, you wouldn't find too many of them at the annual Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony. The 2007 inductees included REM, Van Halen, Patti Smith, Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, and The Ronettes. How far the class of inductees has fallen since 2006's inaugural ceremony, which included Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly, Ray Charles, James Brown, and Little Richard. With the obvious exception of REM, none of this year's honorees are deserving. Yes, Grandmaster Flash and Patti Smith had moments of trailblazing brilliance -- the former with "The Message" and "White Lines" and Smith with the album Horses -- but for the most part their sparse contributions have been eclipsed by the achievements of those whom they've influenced. Should the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induct performers who can't fill out one greatest hits CD?

I have less of a problem with Van Halen, who have produced more than enough dumb but classic songs to fill a couple of "best of" CDs, but I sort of wonder what Van Halen's induction means for the future. Can Def Leppard be far behind? Basically there aren't enough big names left for the Hall to induct to make the ceremony memorable -- hey, if David Lee Roth thinks he's too cool to go to your party, you've got major problems. What the Hall needs to do is to cut down the induction ceremonies to one every five years. They'll still have a hard time finding performers worthy enough to include, but at least it will be painfully noticeable five times less frequently.

For the record, here are some of the worthy -- well, at least as worthy as The Ronettes -- artists who haven't been inducted: Warren Zevon, Graham Parker, Todd Rundgren, Heart, Genesis, and yes, even Hall and Oates. Other overlooked artists who have their champions: Rush, Kiss, and Iron Maiden. Deserving acts that should be inducted in the near future include Metallica and The Replacements.

Rosie O'Donnell is in another feud. God bless Rosie O'Donnell. I don't always agree with her, but most celebrities are afraid to criticize one another, and I love a good celebrity feud.

This time she's taken on American Idol, claiming that the show is "racist" and "weightist" in not kicking off semifinalist Antonella Barba in light of several dirty pictures of her that have surfaced on the Internet. Remember that black and uh . . . big-boned . . . contestant Frenchie Davis was disqualified in 2003 after raunchy pictures of her made their way onto the Information Superhighway. (Remember when the Internet was called the Information Superhighway? If you do, you probably remember the names of all the singers in Color Me Badd.)

Rosie's right. There's definitely a double standard at play here. You only have to look at American Idol's defensive response, which refutes O'Donnell's claims without any real explanation as to why Davis was punished and Barba was not, to figure that out. But I think the issue has less to do with race than with weight, which is probably why the overweight Rosie O'Donnell took the situation on.

But at a time when everyone treads lightly around American Idol (especially competing network executives, who are loath to schedule anything against it), kudos to O'Donnell for taking the bloated, boring, and now, apparently "weightist" (not a real word, but it works) show to task. And for this, The View is now blocked from using any American Idol clips. Big deal. The View is the better show for it.

God, I hate Eddie Van Halen. First he kicks David Lee Roth out of the band, subjecting all of us to the subpar Van Hagar and to the even worse (but thankfully short-lived) David Lee Roth solo career. Then he kicks Sammy Hagar out and replaces him with that god-awful Extreme dude which effectively ends the band. Then he announces the reunion tour, but irritatingly won't give fans a full reunion, opting to replace Michael Anthony with his son. Then, at the eleventh hour, when everyone is salivating over the reunion tour, he backs out of the whole thing. I hate Eddie Van Halen. Not as much as I hate Axl Rose -- can it really take 13 years to make one lousy album? The Beatles changed the world in 13 months! -- but I still hate Eddie Van Halen.

Has Oprah lost her mind? Regular viewers of her show (which can be seen nightly on My Madison TV at 9:30 PM) know that she's devoted much time lately to fawning over The Secret, a self-help documentary and book project that purports to completely overhaul and improve your life. After shelling out the money to see the documentary (it's conveniently available on-line and has been released in not one but two DVD versions) and buy the book (of course you can't truly improve yourself unless you purchase both), you are purportedly presented with what producers call the "law of attraction," which translated means, "if you think positive thoughts, positive things will happen. If you think negative thoughts, negative things will happen."

What? That bit of genius is worth Oprah getting all in a tizzy? If you got that "think positive thoughts" crap in a fortune cookie, you'd groan and moan and reach for another pork fried wonton and never give it a second thought. But The Secret doesn't stop at presenting this bit of untrue hokum as a life-changing philosophy, it actually suggests that it can make you rich -- that if you think about wanting material goods, they will somehow "manifest" themselves. Sounds to me like an way to get out of shoplifting -- "Uh, see what happened is that I thought really hard about how I wanted that video iPod and I guess it just manifested itself in my fanny pack."

The LA Times called The Secret "self-help gone nutty" and made the frightening point that The Secret suggests that "nothing happens to people that isn't brought to them by their own persistent thoughts," implying that this includes those killed in the Holocaust or on September 11. Newsweek succiently called The Secret "deplorable."

The Secret reminds me of another scam, but one that I suspect Oprah wouldn't dream of featuring on her show, Kevin Trudeau's book Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You To Know About. Like The Secret's advice to "think positive," Natural Cures basically serves up commonplace guidelines that can't really do you any harm -- keep yourself clean, eat fruits and vegetables, stop smoking -- unless you follow the advice to the exclusion of other methods and practices, which is what both The Secret and Natural Cures strongly suggest you do. There's nothing wrong with thinking positive thoughts, but if you are someone with severe mental, physical, or financial problems, thinking positive and only thinking positive ain't going to cut it.

Look, I like Oprah. I like her show -- except when Gayle King is on. I recognize that much of her massive appeal -- and she is the most powerful woman in the world, let's not kid ourselves -- comes from her ability to not only entertain and educate, but also to provide hope to people. And she should be loudly applauded for putting her money to good causes, most spectacularly and recently in the building of a girls school complex in South Africa. But her support of The Secret is a massively irresponsible blunder. Winfrey is too smart and influential to be encouraging her millions of viewers, many of whom surely need real help, to throw money away on false promises.

So the British band Jamiroquai -- best known, perhaps only known, for its 1996 video for the song "Virtual Insanity" -- broke the world record for highest-ever concert this week when they played a gig on board an airplane at 35,000 feet. Hey, if you suck on ground, you suck 35,000 feet up.

In related news, Jamiroquai band leader Jay Kay has announced his decision to retire. I'm so bummed. First Rick Astley, now Jay Kay. What new music can I get excited about now? I mean besides The Cheetah Girls.

I forgot to mention that one of my favorite moments from Sunday's Oscarcast was the "in memoriam" clip they showed of Bruno Kirby. Although the requisite "grieving" music replaced the film soundtrack, it was from Kirby's performance as Tommy the limo driver from This Is Spinal Tap. A beautiful performance in a beautiful film, although you have to pick up the DVD and watch the deleted scenes to fully appreciate what Kirby brought to the film.

I know you. You watch The View. Despite your own political leanings, isn't Rosie just being a little too mean to Elisabeth Hasselbeck? If they are going to continue to turn "Hot Topics" into "Political Roundtable," they need another conservative voice on there to balance things out. Although I think they could have the whole of the Republican National Committee on there and Rosie would still be able to shout over all of them.